Glen's Thoughts

Glen's Meandering Musings Concerning Mostly Matters of Monotonous Milling of the Mind, With a Modicum of Moxy and Mojo, Being Also Merry, Majestic, and even Melancholy in Mode, and all Content Within Being Mulled Over on a Monday Morning......

What follows are a few things I have found myself thinking about, often for no apparent reason whatsoever. As I often find my own thoughts on these matters quite humorous, even enlightening, I thought I would share them with anyone who might happen to read my blogs. I have written them out in a rather structured format, beginning with (what I believe to be) a rather clever and/or humorous title concerning that particular observation and/or thought, followed by (again, what I believe to be) a quote that seems to fit the particular topic, the quotes themselves being attained by myself searching for them online, followed by my observation and/or thoughts on that topic, followed by, if I could find it, another quote that seems to fit the topic and closes out that particular observation/thought of mine as insightful and/or humorous as possible. The reason I decided to explain the format in which I shall be writing out my observations and thoughts is because I am trying a more structured writing style than I myself am use to, so bear with me.

While the pictures at the beginning of each mini-article, as well as the quotes, are NOT mine, everything else is. These are my words, mine own thought processes, opinions, observations and whatnot. Therefore, all written material is copyright © 2008 Glen Hallock.

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Fashion Non-Sense
"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch."
- Gilda Radner




Why do we do it to ourselves? Generation after generation of women have willingly exposed themselves to the high risk of pantyhose strangulation, girdle-induced respiratory arrest, and turtleneck tracheotomies. What kind of sick people punish themselves like this?
Even men, for some unknown reason, are into some forms of fashion self-punishment. If you don't believe me, just look at the necktie. Who came up with that idea? Did some fashion designer from the Wild West watch a hanging one day and say, "Now, there's a look that could really catch on"?
Some otherwise intelligent, level-headed women have sentenced themselves to a lifetime of girdle incarceration. Every morning they insist on squeezing their bodies into those torture devices, one layer at a time. Once it's past the knees, the real tug of war begins. Up a little on the right, up a little on the left. If they're not careful, they can lose their balance and end up doing a little ballet across the room. Actually, it might be more like an opera when you consider the high notes they'll hit every time one of the metal stays pokes them in the ribs.
Why do we as thinking human beings do these incredibly punishing things to our bodies?
I have come to the conclusion that the most torturous of all for women has got to be pantyhose. Frankly, I can't imagine how the patent office ever approved the original application for this stuff.
"A nylon half-body suit that fits like a tourniquet but gradually loosens throughout the day until it falls in folds at the ankle like ribbon candy? And it comes in colors? Patent granted. Women'll love it!"
Spandex punishes both sexes. And in some cases, it punishes the onlooker, too. It takes a certain physique to be able to wear spandex, and many of the people we see wearing it these days have seriously violated the Spandex Rules of Engagement.
Sweats, on the other hand, are our reward for having endured decades of fashion abuse. Sweats are comfortable. Roomy. And forgiving. They keep us warm in the winter and cool in the summer. They come in a multitude of colors, and while they don't look that great with high heels and pearls (ladies), they do fit in on most occasions.
I guess the bottom line is this: Our clothes shouldn't punish us. Adam and Eve may have been acting out of guilt when they first put some on, but that was a long time ago. The debt's been paid.


"Once you can accept the
universe as matter expanding
into nothing that is something,
wearing stripes with
plaid comes easy."
- Albert Einstein

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Giving Your Word
"The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public"


- Sir George Jessel




Words. They're one of the main ways we communicate. Words express our opinions, questions, fears, hopes, faith, frustration, and love. They convey our sadness, happiness, embarrassment, advice, desires, needs, encouragement, and ridicule. They carry our pettiness, jealousy, pride, allegience, and more.
Words. We can do a lot with them, can't we?
Unfortunately, we can do a lot to them, as well. For instance, when did we start thinking that doubling a word would increase its emphasis?
"Was it hot?"
"Well, it wasn't hot hot. It was just hot."
Or
"Is he your boyfriend?"
"He's not my boyfriend boyfriend. He's just my boyfriend."
We manipulate their definitions, too. Remember the now famous "That depends on what is is" defense used by one of our politicians?
This language manipulation is also used by some auto mechanics ("When I said I'd rotate your tires, I just meant I'd spin 'em around a few times. That'll be thirty dollars please."), real-estate salespeople ("I did too tell you the house was on an earthquake fault. See, it's right there under our Easy Relocation clause."), and even some members of the clergy ("But the offering is going toward keeping this ministry afloat. I have to make my yacht payment.").
Not only can we purposely change the meaning of our words, we often use them incorrectly, too. Even our national leaders. President George W. Bush himself laughs when he recalls one of his bloopers: "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" And who can forget all the great sound bites that former Vice-President Dan Quayle gave us? Among them was the famous "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change."
There's also Yogi Berra: "I really didn't say everything I said" and "This is like deja vu all over again."
So you see, Democrats, Republicans, sports figures, mechanics, preachers, and just about everyone else has at some time, whether on purpose or by accident, assaulted the English language.
Sometimes instead of changing the meaning of the words and phrases, we just make them up. Take the familiar saying "in my heart of hearts." What exactly does that mean? How many hearts can we have beating inside our chest? As far as I know, it's still just one to a customer. So why do we say "heart of hearts"? We don't say, "I think I just sprained my ankle of ankles" or "He has a ruptured spleen of spleens." So why do we feel we can give ourselves additional hearts whenever we feel like it?
Even though we might misuse them, words are still important to our lives. So important that often our very first ones are documented on paper or video.
"Dada."
"Mama."
"You call this an allowance?!"
Someone's usually around to record our last words, too. Like the dying words of French grammar expert Dominique Bouhours, who is reported to have said, "I am about to--or I am going to--die: either expression is correct."
Between our exciting first ones and our philosophical last ones, most of us will utter billions of words. Big, short, one syllable, multisyllable, English, German, Spanish, French, and an assortment of other languages. We'll inform with words, inquire with words; we'll share our joys and heartaches with them, make mistakes with them, and we'll pray with them.
Words. When we think about how important they are to us, maybe we should be putting a little more thought into them.


"I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and long words Bother me."
- A. A. Milne

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Mind Your Business
"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people."
- Lucille S. Harper




Gossip may have increased over the years (thanks to talk shows, entertainment magazines, and even some after-church socials), but it's no newcomer to the scene. It's been around since early Bible days.

"Hey, Priscilla, did you hear about Balaam?"
"You mean the guy who went to visit King Balak?"
"That's the one. His wife told their neighbor, who told his sister-in-law, who told her accountant, who told his second cousin, who told me, that when Balaam returned, he claimed his donkey had been talking to him."
"Get outta town."
"I'm serious. That donkey must have the scoop on everybody!"
"A talking donkey?....Get outta town."
"I'm not messing with you, girlfriend. That donkey's gotta have the goods on the whole town! Just think of all he's overheard. So I'm taking him to lunch tomorrow."
"Balaam?"
"No, the donkey. But only to find out who I can 'pray' for, of course."
"Of course."

If we go farther back in time, we might overhear Noah's homeowners association meeting:

"The chair recognizes the man in the yellow striped robe."
"Thank you, Madam President. Benjamin, here. Second tent on the left in the new cul-de-sac. I wanna know when you're going to do something about that eyesore I have to look at every morning when I wake up."
"Sir, that's no way to talk about your wife."
"I'm talking about that monstrosity our neighbor Noah is building....although that cucumber mask of my wife's doesn't help the scenery any either. Anyway, I can't look out of my tent without seeing that ridiculous ark! It's sitting right there in the middle of his unmowed lawn....which is another issue I'd like to bring up."
"You're one to complain. How 'bout those three chariots that have been sitting on blocks in your yard for two years?"
"Yeah? Well, at least I'm not boarding animals without a license."
"Noah's running a pet boarding business? Here? In our subdivision? That's against the CC & Rs!"
"He's not boarding animals. He's 'boarding' animals....onto the ark. Yesterday I saw him loading all sorts of critters onto that thing. And I have a pretty good idea what he's up to."
"You do?"
"The ol' man's having a barbecue on his houseboat and didn't invite any of us!"
"But I thought he had invited us."
"He told us there was going to be a big flood, but he never mentioned a barbecue! And that, dear friends and neighbors, is precisely why we need this HOA! We simply must scrutinize the people who move into this neighborhood! Who knows what kind of riffraff are buying into our subdivision?! What do we know about this Noah, anyway?"
"We all know Noah. He's good people. Sure, this ark thing is a little weird and all, but he's still good people. And who knows....maybe it is going to rain like he says. The sky's looking pretty dark."
"All right, let him have his barbecue. But all I've got to say is if he thinks for one minute that he's gettin' my secret barbecue sauce recipe, he's got another thing coming!"

Of course, Noah wasn't having a barbecue, and Balaam's donkey really did talk to him, but not about the other townspeople, just about what God was wanting Balaam to do. I guess it just goes to show you--gossipers don't do a lot of thinking before opening their mouths, and they can really miss the mark most of the time.


"To avoid trouble, breathe throught the nose; it keeps the mouth shut."
- Anonymous

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Guilty Pleas
"Mothers, food, love, and career, the four major guilt groups."
- Cathy Guisewite




Remember in school when you had to write an essay on where you went on your summer vacation? You wrote about your trip to the Grand Canyon, Yosemite, or Washington, D.C., your visit to your grandparent's farm or to some other wonderful place.
I'm pretty sure none of us wrote about the trip we take most often in life--The Guilt Trip.
With guilt trips you don't need airfare, a rental car, or even a hotel reservation. All you need is your mind. And forget the two-bag limit. On a guilt trip, you can take along as much baggage as you like. In fact, the more baggage the merrier.
You don't need a travel agent to book a guilt trip either. Anyone can book it for you.
Friends can send you on one:
"Remember the time I let you have the cherry off my sundae when we were in the fifth grade? Well, I sure remember, so co-sign this loan for me."
Parents can book some of the most scenic guilt trips.
"One of these days I'm not going to be around. You're going to pick up the phone, wanting to hear my voice, but I'm not going to be there."
"You're healthier than me, Mom."
"I'm not talking about dying. I'm talking about moving and not hooking up call forwarding!"
Another popular guilt trip destination is Labor Island.
"Twenty-three hours of labor! Not twenty. Not fifteen. Twenty-three hours! Do you have any idea how loooooooooooooong twenty-three hours of labor is? No, of course you don't because you sneezed and had your children. But I had you the hard way. No anesthesia, no La Maize classes, just me and the pain. The whole town still talks about the screams. I go through that kind of pain for you and you can't pick up the phone and call?"
Dieters can send us on a guilt trip if we dare to enjoy our food while they're on their diet.
"You're not going to eat all those french fries, are you?"
"I was thinking about it."
"Do you have any idea how much cholesterol is in a single cup of french fries?"
"Not offhand, no."
"Enough to clog a Slurpee straw. So let me have half of them. It'll be healthier for you. And speaking of Slurpees, you gonna drink all that one yourself or are you going to share?"
Some Christians can also be travel agents for guilt trips.
"I see you came in late to church today. If I was that late, I wouldn't have even bothered coming."
Or
"I realize you're already serving on the visitation committee, the youth board, the Sunday school council, and choir, but children's church really needs someone like you, and if you were really listening to God's voice...."
Life's too short for guilt trips. So the next time you book a guilt trip, or someone else books it for you, cancel it immediately. Guilt trips make for lousy vacation pictures.